It's the Cream of the Fight

Song of the day goes to Survivor with their beloved power ballad "Eye of the Tiger." I highly recommend it with history homework.

Did not want to get out of bed this morning, knowing I had a full, challenging day of school ahead of me, and seeing how dark it was outside (rainy, too, although I didn't know that). Somehow I made it, and took the bus, for which my aching legs thank me. Two periods of Philosophy and I might still be understanding Kant (I didn't print out a translation, and I don't want to) and we slacked off at the end and I studied Italian. I got to read my paper in Econ and felt all weird still because it was really really good and everyone else is trying to learn how to write a good paper and I don't like having that distance between my ability and my classmates'. Art and I turned in my paper and painting and my art teacher was all impressed that I wrote in German (yay) and I hope she'll approve of my efforts- I have ultimately decided that my painting isn't all that bad, but I still do better with other media. And then more studying of Italian while other people finished up their art projects and then Pause and then the scary Italian exam. . . or so I thought. Went to the classroom, waited, no one appeared. Waited. Looked at Vertretungsplan, which uses some code that I don't entirely understand to note when classes are not happening. Saw nothing that resembled information on my Italain class. Went back to classroom. No one. Called host mom, decided might as well go home. I'm still worried about this, but I'm sure it'll be okay. Can't do anything until after fall break, anyway. So got home on the bus without too much trouble (this construction in Niederkassel is so terrible, though, it is driving me insane) and had some lunch and piddled around with some history stuff and printed out my Hampshire supplement so I can start thinking about it (I am also starting to try to put together my Common App personal statement, and that is harder because it is supposed to be less than 500 words) and there is something that I want to ask you about, although I'm not sure if I'm allowed. Hampshire, in addition to asking all the right questions, wants to know what words my friends, parents, and teachers would use to describe. So, friends, parents, teachers: come out of hiding! Think of words that you associate with me- they don't have to be big or special (I have to come up with words for myself, too) and I promise that floccinaucinihilipilification has nothing to do with my personality! Remember that my entire future happiness and success rests upon these words, but don't feel too much pressure. The application is due December 1.

Mary has reminded me that it is now exactly 2 months since I left Chesterfield for the great big world. It feels like longer, but I only have 8 months left. That's weird to think about.

Addendum 9 pm:
I'm feeling a little school-based culture shock, I must admit. I think this whole Italian thing today brought a lot of things I've been feeling but haven't noticed forward- I'm realizing that there's this whole unspoken language to school that I just don't know here. . . no one ever bothered to explain the Vertretungsplan to me, for example, so I'm still not sure I can read it- other people tell me when we don't have class, but with Italian, I don't see the people in my class outside of class, so I'm not certain they'd let me know. It's the kind of thing Germans don't think about because they've always had it, but we don't have anything like it in America and I don't understand it. I think I've missed out on a lot of the introduction to the school because I know German so well- people aren't bothering to stop and explain things to me because they assume I follow. I know I should ask about stuff, but mostly I don't think about it- I show up to class and I try to pay attention and I go home and people normally tell me things, but when they don't, it kind of sucks. And then there are times when I feel like nobody knows what to do with me anyway- my teachers kept asking if I was taking the Klausurs too, and I didn't know, and then they just let it drop, so I just kind of show up and do it and hope that things fall into place. Nobody has bothered to explain how grades here work, and that worries me, too. We never turn things in, and I'm not to the point that I can be answering questions in my classes, and my teachers basically just let me sit there and try to follow along and they ignore me because they have a real class that needs to prepare for the Abitur and that's more important. But what can they grade me on? Showing up? Nodding? I know it doesn't matter at all what grades I get, but I'd like to feel like I have some sort of control over it, and some sort of previous knowledge of what's going on. I'm getting frustrated with not being able to do anything in class, too- I pour all of my effort into Econ because I understand it, but then I'm still not really doing much work because they never assign any and even when I understand all the words the teachers or assignments say, I still don't understand what they want. Last week, my history teacher looked at me and asked me a question that I completely understood, but I had no idea what answer she wanted. This happens constantly- teachers are always saying things that have everyone else's hands shooting up, and I can't even begin to understand what the apparently obvious conclusion was supposed to be. And that makes me doubt myself even when I do know the answer. I'm sort of mad at myself for not taking an easy fact-based class like math so I could learn to participate, but I hate math classes. I tried so hard this evening to think of some way I could make school better, but there are no better classes to take. College stuff is starting to show up and I'm getting excited again about the classes I can be taking next year, and it justs make me feel so much worse about school here, where I'm just this sort of silent observer.